It’s no secret—anyone who knows me IRL knows I have major confidence issues, namely that I don’t have any. It affects every facet of my life, from my job to my running. I doubt myself at every turn, second-guessing my intelligence, abilities, willpower, strength, steadfastness. “I don’t like competition” and “I’m a people-pleaser” is code for “I’d rather someone else be in charge and make the decisions because I don’t want to put myself out there and fear looking dumb.” And it’s all based on the fact that I don’t believe that I can do “it,” whatever “it” is. The fear is paralyzing. It’s kept me from moving forward in my career (and kept me from taking the necessary steps to discovering a real career), from graduating college, from doing things that I should’ve done with my life years ago.
2010 was a good year by my standards. I lost 30 pounds, ran four 5ks, logged more miles than in any other year in my life—probably all years combined!—and yet… Here I am again, afraid of rejection, insecure, afraid of looking dumb by putting this blog out there to my friends and family.
What if no one reads it? Or worse, what if they DO read it and still no one cares? And why do I still need someone else’s approval—even a complete stranger on the internet—in order to have confidence? Why can’t I get that from myself?
Isn’t it easier to stay hidden, stay anonymous, stay silent? Don’t take the chance. Fly under the radar. It’s safer here.
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