My struggle isn't so much time as emotion. I feel like I have a good handle on my schedule and making time for all the parts of my life. However, I do struggle with the guilt that comes with carving out the time I need for the things I want to do. The funny part is that sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty about taking time away from my home life to do what I want. How's that for ridiculous?
The deal is, for the first time in my life I'm taking care of ME. I have a hobby. I have things I like doing that don't involve my husband and child. Sometimes I feel like crap for enjoying my time away from them. And then I feel stupid for feeling like crap. Why shouldn't I enjoy the time I have alone? When did my life become only about my identity as someone's wife/mother?
I guess I do have my share of scheduling issues that need to be ironed out. Dinner time is an especially stressful time for me, as it's usually the only time I have to run. (At least until it's nice enough to get out before work.) My problem is that my sweet, darling, helpful husband seems to be completely clueless on the fact that dinner needs to be started every night. No, there are no magical dinner fairies to deliver food to the house every night. I find myself getting irritated at him when I come home from a run, soaked with sweat and exhausted, to find him on the couch and the chicken still frozen.
But then I wonder if it's fair to expect HIM to rearrange his evening to accommodate MY hobby. I've always done dinner, he's batted clean-up, so why do I expect that things should suddenly be different because MY world has changed.
So, I don't know what to think. Part of me knows that it's not realistic to expect everyone to change just because I have chosen to take on a hobby. It's my responsibility to make my training schedule work within the family's parameters. It's not fair to them and it's pretty selfish of me to change things on a whim. Another part of me wonders if just a little consideration would be too much to ask, for people (ahem, men people) to think and be proactive.
It's hard. I've never been in a position like this, where I've wanted to "do me" as the kids say. I'm happy. I love where I am in my life and what I'm accomplishing. And I love my family and the time I spend with them. I just don't know how to walk the wire my two worlds.